The end of college life is so near, yet I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. I’ve worked so hard, accomplished many things. I’ve had a ton of internships, earned an nyu presidential award, and am graduating cum laude. But all that came at a cost.
My body has always been weak as a child, and all the stress I’ve accumulated has broken down my health and caused me to miss out on many important things, such as going home for Mother’s day this year. Time spent stuck working on projects meant countless meaningful relationships squandered. Now, with the last few weeks winding down, I cannot help wishing for a second chance at moments I may not have again.
Applying for jobs has been tough and has honestly made me lose my way. Before, I had thought my priorities would always be God’s kingdom and that I would always have faith in His provision. But now I am humbled and see what a challenge it really is to be an adult. Pursuing whatever you want is a bit of an unaffordable luxury and freedom when you don’t knew how to pay the bills. Sometimes I get overwhelmed thinking about what my parents worry about, like mortgages and children.
Days like these though, are opportunities for God to steer me back to Christ. As I sat on the couch, congested and drugged up, I broke down in repentance as I read the Word and prayed.
God also has a way of breaking my heart through film. As I watched My Way ( 마이 웨이 ), a movie about the Japanese occupation of Korea in WW2, I realized how small my current preoccupations were. We place so much value and weight to so many things in life, tied down to our aspirations and comforts. We chase after things to buy and luxuries to enjoy, contenting ourselves while losing sight of our true home and true joy. As I thought about the characters in that film, living with simply hope for life and dignity, I wondered to myself how I’d be in their situation. What good would my degree, my titles, and all those things do me if I was uprooted from this comfortable life?
It takes me back to 1st Peter, which I had studied with my small group for a whole year. I thought I had known what it meant to live as an exile, to live in the world but not be of it. I’m now humbled, reflecting on the words of the man who Jesus called to leave everything to follow Him.
Sure I’ll still work hard and be faithful to the things He’s given me. Sure, I’m still going to get a job and pay for my own bills. But for me it’s better to stick to making an honest living, having time for the people around me, and loving my God.
Die to the life I know and cling to, because that’s how I’ll find real life.